i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
