you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
