Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
