There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
