end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
