"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
