I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
did i just pee glitter
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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