She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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