I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I touched a dick in church today
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
