so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
