I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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