i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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