marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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