Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
