hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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