the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
