New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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