Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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