I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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