I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
