Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
