I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
