The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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