You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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