a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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