Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
