oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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