im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
