why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
