At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
