Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
