Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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