I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
