I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
