I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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