It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
