If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
