My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
