A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dignity is for republicans.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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