I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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