Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
