I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
