i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
