Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
