I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
