meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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