My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
