I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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