I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
