She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
