I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
