You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
